If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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