my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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