There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
