I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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