Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
