Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
