dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
