A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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