Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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