I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
