What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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