Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
