i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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