put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
