I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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