I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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