Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
