I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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