This is not my ceiling
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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