The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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