I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize