I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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