The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i think i just lost a toe
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
