I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
