You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
