So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He? As in you personified your dick?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
