and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish you could order shots online.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
