Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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