dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
