Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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