Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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