Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
