you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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