i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
