sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
