So drunk its hurt
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
