I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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