So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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