Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
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I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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