I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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