I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
