I must be too annoying 4 u.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
