I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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