I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
