yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
