dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
