Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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