she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.