she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
