Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
19 Utterly Perfect Responses To ‘Send Nudes’ Texts
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.