You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
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I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
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The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?