Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I lost the right to judge tonight
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
