So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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