She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
