I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
