I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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