The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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