He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
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I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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