She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
