I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
